He's Not Perfect...

Perfect words that say oh so much.  I'm not looking for perfect, just perfect for me.

Being Careful what you wish for, you might just get it

So about the time I hit 30, I was convinced I'd be a single mom.  I had promised myself that if I was still single at 35 I would just go and do it.  Get a donor and be a mom.  Being a mom is the only thing that I would be truly upset about missing out on.  Well, when 30 hit I just knew in my gut that 35 was much too far away.  I became obsessed with having a baby. I was buying diapers and baby clothes long before I even got pregnant.  I suppose it's no surprise that my subconscience would find, well, basically a donor to father my child.  A guy that virtually disappeared.  So I got my wish.  I'm a single mom.  Funny how when you get exactly what you wish for you begin to wonder what you were thinking.  Honestly I don't regret a thing.  This way I can find her a real man to be a father.  The daunting task of doing that however isn't as easy as I guess I imagined it would be.  Let's be realistic, dating is hard.  Dating is even harder when you have a child.  Honestly I'm not even sure I want to date.  I also don't want to be alone forever.  Although I'm not alone, I have Mak.  Recently I've been dealing with a lot of junk from my past that's brought up a lot of memories and feelings that I had surpressed long ago.  I'm finally seeking closure which has me feeling amazing.  I'm also realizing that what I've been willing to put up with in relationships in the past no longer seems tolerable now.  Especially when I have Mak to consider.  I'm gonna start being selective, less settling.  After all we deserve extraordinary.  My Single's Awareness Day post had been a sort of spoof.  Like my requirements were laughable.  Hardly being demanding whatsoever.  Those are qualifications that any decent human being should have.  Those requirements have also been thrown in my face by a few individuals that quite frankly.."just didn't get it." I did this for Mak.  All of it.  She's the baby I always wanted and was scared I'd never have.  I worked very hard to get her here with me and now I'm going to give her the very best I can.  She deserves far better than I ever had.  No father is better than a lousy father.  I'm not just looking for a father for her, I'm looking for love for me.  Real love, and real love shouldn't be hard.  Yes relationships take work, but they shouldn't be all about work.  It  should be fun and easy and exciting even when doing the simplest things.  Anything that you have to basically drive yourself batty working for isn't worth it in the end.  You lose sight of who you are while you are busy trying to fit this mold of what the other person thinks you should be.  We deserve the world and this mama isn't settling for anything less.  I've always been the type that doesn't sit back and let life happen.  Life is what happens when you are too busy making plans.  From now on I'm going to enjoy my little girl while she laughs and plays and learns and discovers and loves.  I could never get tired of watching her, she's such an  amazing little person and I'm in complete awe that I created her.  I had it in my head I was going to be a mom and I made it happen, for better or for worse.  Perhaps that's the only relationship in this lifetime that I truly ever really needed to begin with.  She completes me <3

Learning to cut myself a little slack

So when I ventured into this rollercoaster called motherhood, I vowed that I'd be THAT mom, or wouldn't be that mom...I'd be the mom that cloth diapered, made her own baby food.  My kid will never throw tantrums or be spoiled, will eat wholesome home cooked meals every day...blahblahblah.  Well, I've managed to do some of that, but, I have noticed that I should cut myself a little slack sometimes.  Yes I'm a single mom, yes I do everything alone, yes I'm beyond exhausted most days and it's a constant struggle just to keep my head above water.  And am I hard on myself when I fall short of my own expectations? You bet.  Now why is that?  Why, when I'm my biggest ally do I kick myself when I'm down? So what if Mak doesn't get all 5 food groups at every meal?  I gave her a chicken nugget today...okay two...for lunch...with no vegetables...it won't kill her.  It's easy for me to blame others for why I'm the way I am.  Blame the parents, it's easy.  The heart of the problem lies in me.  What's with the constant need to be a superhero?  I think if I learned to cut myself a little slack I'd be a much stronger person and my mental health would be, well...better.  Easier said then done for a perfectionist. *sigh* At the end of the day nothing else matters except that Mak is happy and that I was the best mom I could be today.  Ten years from now she won't care if the house was clean or organized, the dishes were washed, she ate a balanced meal or that her clothes were stained.  All that will matter is that I was a good mom, that I played with her, read her stories, made her giggle.  Those moments of joy mean everything to me.  I need to learn to just live in the moment and to hell with everything else.  To let go of the meaningless drama, the constant need to over-achieve and the inner battle with myself to make sure everyone around me is happy.  All that matters is me and my little girl.  Plus if someone has a problem with my messy house, well they are more than welcome to come clean it for me while I play with my little girl ;)

True Happiness Lies Within

* This was written months ago and saved in drafts...I should have listened harder to myself back then.

I use to look to others for my happiness.  I guess I felt the responsiblity didn't reside in myself.  Perhaps it has to do with being chronically disappointed by my father my whole childhood.  Throughout life I continued to find men that always disappointed me.  I thought that maybe I didn't deserve better, didn't deserve happiness.  I've begun to realize that the choices I made, the people I surrounded myself with, were all factors in my happiness level.  That ultimately it was up to me.  A good manta to live by is, "is it better to be right or to be happy?" I chose happy and I haven't looked back since.  Since having Mak, my life has been complete bliss.  Turned upside down but bliss.

lessons learned

So sorry I've been absent so long.  Since February, wow.  Well the last time I was here I was on cloud nine.  Sadly I've down spiraled since then.  I was entering into a relationship with someone I barely knew.  As we progressed there was more and more that I discovered I didn't like.  Not with him necessarily, but I didn't like who I was becoming.  Basically he didn't bring out the best in me.  I lost sight of who I was and who I was as a mother.  That's my most important job, being Mak's mom and I was slacking.  I'm back now.  I feel hope.  More importantly I feel happiness.  A life without drama is a beautiful thing and let's face it, I was letting the drama consume me.  The he said/she said BS...who really needs it anyway.  At the end of the day all that matters is how you feel about yourself.  How Mak feels about me.  That's what's important.  If I'm alone forever than so be it.  If I love me then I've already won.