The Hardest Part

The hardest part about being a single mom is accepting your life at face value.  Yes it is hard, yes you never get a break.  Yes you are lonely, but it's a different kind of lonely.  You always have someone with you and if you ever find yourself with true alone time you are completely clueless as to what to do with that time.  You are lonely for that someone to share the joys with.  Yes it would be nice to have someone pick up the slack, but for me it's the wanting someone to share the good, the bad, the struggles and the miracles with.  Mak has decided she's a big girl now and has self-weened.  Granted I'm going to look back at this time and be grateful that it was her decision and not mine, but it makes me sad.  Sad for the little girl that is growing up so very fast.  She is not a baby anymore and I struggle with the word "toddler." Not ready to go there yet. I find myself crying almost daily.  I know that some of it is the hormones and all that that go with not nursing and all that mumbojumbo stuff.  I can rationalize all of it and I totally get  it.  For me, the hardest part is accepting the fact that I am a single mom.  That she might be the only baby I get to have.  I'm certainly not getting any younger and while  I don't want to lose hope on finding someone. I  need to be realistic too.  I don't want to be that sappy mom getting her hopes up and getting hurt.  I need to be a strong rolemodel for my daughter as I am both mom and dad to her.  It's hard.  Of course with this whole growing up thing she is also sleeping through the night now so I really can't complain.  And I know that as she grows and changes and learns that I'm not losing a baby, but gaining a little companion.  I get that, I  do.  It's just hard for me to let go.  Some days I want to scoop her up and put her back inside my belly.  It fills me with  such an emptiness that I may never experience that feeling again.  Who knows.  Maybe in a couple of years I'll reconcider and decide being a single mom of 2 wouldn't be that much harder.  Then I'll talk myself out of it.  For now, I'll just ache for the life I'll talk myself out of wishing and hoping for and just try to live in the "what is."

Discovering Pinterest

So I was hoping not to get sucked into the world of Pinterest. So far the obsession hasn't gotten too out of control. Pinterest is the Mecca of kid crafts. It was recommended to me by a fellow mommy and I've found lots of great ideas! Doing crafts with a 1 yr old is interesting.  Their attention span is about 5 minutes so there's no way she's ready to do actual crafts, but I can tell she gets bored with regular play.  Here are the crafts we have tried that she loved.  We made jello playdough. This is a work in progress, but smells amazing!  I want to make lots more in different colors and smells  and watch her go for it.  Righ now she just tries to eat it, it smells like grape.  I  don't blame her.  I also found recipes for gingerbread playdough and peanutbutter playdough.  Yeah, that's next. ;) I also took a ziploc bag and filled it with different colors of finger paint. I taped this to the table under her food tray. This is awesome! It's squishy and fun with no mess and she can play with it for days.  It makes after meal clean up so much easier too because it entertains her while I clean the mess.  Next I've taken empty water bottles and one I filled with pieces of pipe cleaners and hot glued the cap on.  She loves it! When she gets bigger, she can run a magnet over it and watch the pieces cling to it.  Another bottle I filled with dried lentils and beans, colorful stuff.  She likes to shake it.  I'm going to do another with some different colored pastas and stuff.  Always hot glue the cap on so we don't have choking issues.  I love these ones because it's a cheap toy that will amuse for hours.  I also found one about how to refinish one of those plastic picnic tables for kids.  I'm hoping to pick one up that I found next week for $10.  Super cute crafty ideas on  pinterest.  There's something for everyone.  A huge time suck though.  Super glad right now that I don't have an Ipad, but might need to request one for Christmas.  Facetime with the grandparents in Florida is always a necessary with a little baby.  Course  she's a toddler now.  How did this happen?  I missed so much while I was too  busy trying to control the direction of my life.  I'm gonna shut up and play now.  It's amazing how facinating watching her learn and play is.  She discovers something new about something so ordinary every day. It's a constant eye opener and I love seeing the world  through her eyes.  It makes it much more beautiful and enjoyable to see the world through the eyes of a child. <3