Being Careful what you wish for, you might just get it

So about the time I hit 30, I was convinced I'd be a single mom.  I had promised myself that if I was still single at 35 I would just go and do it.  Get a donor and be a mom.  Being a mom is the only thing that I would be truly upset about missing out on.  Well, when 30 hit I just knew in my gut that 35 was much too far away.  I became obsessed with having a baby. I was buying diapers and baby clothes long before I even got pregnant.  I suppose it's no surprise that my subconscience would find, well, basically a donor to father my child.  A guy that virtually disappeared.  So I got my wish.  I'm a single mom.  Funny how when you get exactly what you wish for you begin to wonder what you were thinking.  Honestly I don't regret a thing.  This way I can find her a real man to be a father.  The daunting task of doing that however isn't as easy as I guess I imagined it would be.  Let's be realistic, dating is hard.  Dating is even harder when you have a child.  Honestly I'm not even sure I want to date.  I also don't want to be alone forever.  Although I'm not alone, I have Mak.  Recently I've been dealing with a lot of junk from my past that's brought up a lot of memories and feelings that I had surpressed long ago.  I'm finally seeking closure which has me feeling amazing.  I'm also realizing that what I've been willing to put up with in relationships in the past no longer seems tolerable now.  Especially when I have Mak to consider.  I'm gonna start being selective, less settling.  After all we deserve extraordinary.  My Single's Awareness Day post had been a sort of spoof.  Like my requirements were laughable.  Hardly being demanding whatsoever.  Those are qualifications that any decent human being should have.  Those requirements have also been thrown in my face by a few individuals that quite frankly.."just didn't get it." I did this for Mak.  All of it.  She's the baby I always wanted and was scared I'd never have.  I worked very hard to get her here with me and now I'm going to give her the very best I can.  She deserves far better than I ever had.  No father is better than a lousy father.  I'm not just looking for a father for her, I'm looking for love for me.  Real love, and real love shouldn't be hard.  Yes relationships take work, but they shouldn't be all about work.  It  should be fun and easy and exciting even when doing the simplest things.  Anything that you have to basically drive yourself batty working for isn't worth it in the end.  You lose sight of who you are while you are busy trying to fit this mold of what the other person thinks you should be.  We deserve the world and this mama isn't settling for anything less.  I've always been the type that doesn't sit back and let life happen.  Life is what happens when you are too busy making plans.  From now on I'm going to enjoy my little girl while she laughs and plays and learns and discovers and loves.  I could never get tired of watching her, she's such an  amazing little person and I'm in complete awe that I created her.  I had it in my head I was going to be a mom and I made it happen, for better or for worse.  Perhaps that's the only relationship in this lifetime that I truly ever really needed to begin with.  She completes me <3