The Hardest Part

The hardest part about being a single mom is accepting your life at face value.  Yes it is hard, yes you never get a break.  Yes you are lonely, but it's a different kind of lonely.  You always have someone with you and if you ever find yourself with true alone time you are completely clueless as to what to do with that time.  You are lonely for that someone to share the joys with.  Yes it would be nice to have someone pick up the slack, but for me it's the wanting someone to share the good, the bad, the struggles and the miracles with.  Mak has decided she's a big girl now and has self-weened.  Granted I'm going to look back at this time and be grateful that it was her decision and not mine, but it makes me sad.  Sad for the little girl that is growing up so very fast.  She is not a baby anymore and I struggle with the word "toddler." Not ready to go there yet. I find myself crying almost daily.  I know that some of it is the hormones and all that that go with not nursing and all that mumbojumbo stuff.  I can rationalize all of it and I totally get  it.  For me, the hardest part is accepting the fact that I am a single mom.  That she might be the only baby I get to have.  I'm certainly not getting any younger and while  I don't want to lose hope on finding someone. I  need to be realistic too.  I don't want to be that sappy mom getting her hopes up and getting hurt.  I need to be a strong rolemodel for my daughter as I am both mom and dad to her.  It's hard.  Of course with this whole growing up thing she is also sleeping through the night now so I really can't complain.  And I know that as she grows and changes and learns that I'm not losing a baby, but gaining a little companion.  I get that, I  do.  It's just hard for me to let go.  Some days I want to scoop her up and put her back inside my belly.  It fills me with  such an emptiness that I may never experience that feeling again.  Who knows.  Maybe in a couple of years I'll reconcider and decide being a single mom of 2 wouldn't be that much harder.  Then I'll talk myself out of it.  For now, I'll just ache for the life I'll talk myself out of wishing and hoping for and just try to live in the "what is."