True Happiness Lies Within

* This was written months ago and saved in drafts...I should have listened harder to myself back then.

I use to look to others for my happiness.  I guess I felt the responsiblity didn't reside in myself.  Perhaps it has to do with being chronically disappointed by my father my whole childhood.  Throughout life I continued to find men that always disappointed me.  I thought that maybe I didn't deserve better, didn't deserve happiness.  I've begun to realize that the choices I made, the people I surrounded myself with, were all factors in my happiness level.  That ultimately it was up to me.  A good manta to live by is, "is it better to be right or to be happy?" I chose happy and I haven't looked back since.  Since having Mak, my life has been complete bliss.  Turned upside down but bliss.

lessons learned

So sorry I've been absent so long.  Since February, wow.  Well the last time I was here I was on cloud nine.  Sadly I've down spiraled since then.  I was entering into a relationship with someone I barely knew.  As we progressed there was more and more that I discovered I didn't like.  Not with him necessarily, but I didn't like who I was becoming.  Basically he didn't bring out the best in me.  I lost sight of who I was and who I was as a mother.  That's my most important job, being Mak's mom and I was slacking.  I'm back now.  I feel hope.  More importantly I feel happiness.  A life without drama is a beautiful thing and let's face it, I was letting the drama consume me.  The he said/she said BS...who really needs it anyway.  At the end of the day all that matters is how you feel about yourself.  How Mak feels about me.  That's what's important.  If I'm alone forever than so be it.  If I love me then I've already won.

Leap Day

Women propose to their men

According to an old Irish legend, or possibly history, St Bridget struck a deal with St Patrick to allow women to propose to men – and not just the other way around – every 4 years. This is believed to have been introduced to balance the traditional roles of men and women in a similar way to how Leap Day balances the calendar.
In some places, Leap Day has been known as “Bachelors’ Day” for the same reason. A man was expected to pay a penalty, such as a gown or money, if he refused a marriage proposal from a woman on Leap Day. In many European countries, especially in the upper classes of society, tradition dictates that any man who refuses a woman's proposal on February 29 has to buy her 12 pairs of gloves. The intention is that the woman can wear the gloves to hide the embarrassment of not having an engagement ring. During the middle ages there were laws governing this tradition.

I'm just going to follow this with...I could get in a lot of trouble today.  I've recently met someone, well technically we haven't met, but we will.  Soon.  Anyway, even though we are hundreds of miles apart and haven't technically met one another.  I feel closer to him and far more connected than I think I ever have.  He can be oh so far away and yet I find comfort in knowing that if I needed him, he'd be there.  It doesn't matter that he's not physically here, sitting next to me.  I can just feel the connection.  Anyway now I'm rambling...My point is...this has all happened very quickly, but that doesn't frighten me.  In many ways I'm tempted to test out this old tradition.  To take that leap, not necessarily propose marriage, but just take that leap.  I guess in a way I am.  In many ways leap year feels like magic and leap day even more magical.  I'm very excited about the possibilities.  I mean I have nothing to lose.  Just taking a chance at love and possibilities of happiness.  Afterall, isn't that what we are all hoping to find in this one life?  Any ounce of happiness that comes my way, any chance at all...I'm going to hold on tight with both hands and hang tight for it's sure to be one hell of a ride.

Struggling to not miss anything

So I probably had the worst week imaginable emotionally.  We're talking like every day wanting to quit my job bad.  Sometimes I really resent having to work when my real job is staying home with Mak.  If I were married and had a husband that could support the family I'd seriously think about being a SAHM, but realistically I know I can't.  I have a good job too, good hours, great benefits, I really can't complain...much. It's just a strain.  Anyway, my week was awful, but coming home to seeing my smiling, giggling girl makes it all go away.  The last few days she's been a lot more mobile.  Crawling and moving around, getting into everything.  It's so adorable...now.  I know I will choke on these words, but I'm absolutely gaga and could waste hours upon hours watching her grow.  The time is flying by, it bothers me more and more that he's missing it.  By he I don't mean her father, he has shown mild to zero interest so I just let sleeping dogs lay.  It's easier that way, less drama.  I mean the real man, the real man that is meant to be her daddy.  It's so hard.  I want to share these moments with someone.  Sure there's family and all my closest friends.  They don't see everything though.  They aren't here to share in her milestones the way a father could and should be.  I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for Mak.  It's moments like this that I want to reach out to him, want him to care, but he doesn't, so I don't.  This girl I know married into that family today.  That dysfunction.  God bless her.  She's a nice girl, has had my back more than once and I'm thankful.  A bit late, but better than never.  It bugs me that she did.  Not sure why.  Maybe I wish better for her, love is blind.  I wish her the best.  Back to Mak.  If it wasn't for Mak I wouldn't care about finding love for myself.  I'd be fine.  Bitter and old, but fine.  LOL.  She deserves better, she deserves a daddy's love.  She's consumed by love.  Love basically swallows her up wherever she goes.   A daddy's love is different.  Perhaps it's because of my own dysfunctional relationship with my own father that makes me feel this way.  I grew up with an amazing stepfather and I'll be eternally grateful to him.  It's the daddy's love that a little girl aches for.  I know that feeling.  I hated that feeling.  Still do.  He turned from me a few months ago when we ran into him at the grocery store.  He saw us, turned his cart and huffed off.  That stung.  For years I've been the one to avoid him.  I was about to muster up the courage to introduce him to his grand-daughter and he was gone.  While I want better for Mak, I also want better for me.  Even with an amazing stepdad to take his place, I still ache for his love.  I just hope Mak is stronger than me.  Maybe never knowing her father will make that easier.  Can you ache for a love if you don't know it?  Sometimes, okay, all the time.  I feel like I would have been better off never knowing my father.  Hopefully this turns out to be true for her.  Okay...I hadn't intended for this post to get so deep.  My point is, if her "daddy" can't be here to watch her grown and turn into an amazing little girl, I'll have to be both.  Hopefully I don't miss anything, but with everything happening so fast I'm afraid I will.  Slow down baby girl, mama can barely keep up.

green clovers

So where I work we like to decorate for the holidays.  Well we just pulled down all those nasty, disgusting red and pink heart things and just hung up these beautiful and vibrant green clovers for St. Patrick's Day.  There's something about the hearts that repulses me, but these clovers make me want to go skipping through a field of poppies.  Maybe it's what the color green represents, maybe it's because it's like a preview of spring.  Maybe it's because I'm starting to feel lucky, like my life is about to change for the better.  I don't know.  Just seeing them puts a twinkle in my eye and warmth in my heart.  I love spring, almost as much as I love fall.  I can't wait to get outside and get my hands dirty and to see all the wonders of spring pop up.  On the other hand I feel like we haven't even really had winter yet.  I really really hope this doesn't mean it will rain all summer.  =(  Maybe my good mood shift has something to do with the fact that Mak crawled for the first time yesterday.  All I know is that I've been in a dark, emotional hole the last few days and it feels damn good to feel alive again.

The Art of Being a Single Mom part 1

So being single isn't for everyone.  Some people enjoy being single, the freedom of it all.  The reckless abandon.  The thrill of the chase.  For me, I enjoy being single because that means I have no one to argue with.  There's no fighting, no drama.  It's bliss actually.  The downer...no one to share life's joys with either.  I come home but there's no one to share my day with.  Sure I have Mak, but there's only so much interaction she can handle at 7 months old.  Being single can be very lonely.  Fortunately being a single mom means you are too tired, too busy, too overwhelmed to really notice.  My pity parties are fewer and far between and last mere moments compared to what they use to be.  I know having a baby put a HUGE speedbump in my social life, but she sure does keep me busy.  In many ways I'm grateful.  Now I can raise her the way I want, no one else gets a say.  No one will fight me on issues I find important.  She makes me raise my standards on the type of people I allow in our lives.  The good part is that I don't have to think seriously about anyone in particular that I talk to.  However, a few less disappointments and heartbreaks would be nice.  Maybe in a way, being a single mom is an excuss to allow yourself not to get emotionally attached to anyone.  I fall in love easy...I fall fast and I fall hard.  When you have a small baby demanding all of your love and attention it's pretty easy to forget everything else.  There's very little time for me, let alone another person.  Tonight I found myself texting a few people at the same time...while trying to put the baby to bed, eat dinner, fold laundry and attempt to write this blog.  I started feeling annoyed that these people I was texting were taking up my valuable time.  It's very strange how my priorities have shifted.

Single's Awareness Day

"Shallow men believe in luck...Strong men believe in cause and effect." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is the post that started it all.  I'm now at the point in my life where I'm okay that I'm single.  Even if I'm single for many years to come.  I'm not alone and I'm certainly not lonely.  Honestly I'd rather be single and be happy then to be miserable and lonely with the wrong guy.  I use to view Valentine's Day as something black and ugly.  I'm usually always alone or with some guy and always disappointed.  I've termed this day "Single's Awareness Day."  This year I have my beautiful baby and although the wheels of fate didn't quite move in the direction I had expected them to, I wouldn't have it any other way.  She deserves a "real daddy" and I deserve a "real man."  No more settling.  So in light of up coming Single's Awareness Day I'm going to do a countdown to the day with specific traits I'm looking for in a mate...21 days, 21 Requirements, so here goes. *I have a feeling this list will get added as I find time to actually "date" again...LOL

Requirement #21) Must have a job...I don't care if he works the drive thru window at DD....he must make an honest income.

Requirement #20) must be comfortable enough in his manhood to understand that the phone works both ways...none of this wait 3 days to call BS...if you're thinking about me (or your daughter) pick up the damn phone

Requirement #19) Must be in reasonably good physical health/shape...I'm not saying he needs to be a contender for the next Ironman, but he needs to be able to go for a walk, work a job, and do some misc "manly" chores like shovel or mow the lawn without throwing out his back, knee or having a stroke....unless he's really rich and will leave me all his money...JOKING! *also added to this one, he must be willing to do some of the "guy stuff" like home repair, plumbing, you know...guy chores...which gives me an idea for another blog...

Requirement #18) must not be married, have any crazy exes that demand his attention and/or display stalking characteristics or otherwise be "unavailable" because of high demands from any other woman aka "mama"...I hope this one doesn't really require an explaination...non-negotible

Requirement #17) Must be a non-smoker, drug free, and a light to non-drinker...sorry for this one, but with a small baby now I need someone clean, responsible and healthy

Requirement #16) He must love and accept my child as his own and be willing to adopt her. We are a package deal and my baby deserves a daddy that will love her, support her and be there for her. My stepdad did this for me so I know that there are real men out there willing to take on a child that isn't "biologically" theirs ♥

Requirement #15) must enjoy cooking (or at least eating) and be willing to cook for me or at least with me once in awhile. I need a foodie, but a true blue foodie. I don't even care if what he makes me is just a PB&J...nothing screams sexual tension more than two cooks in a kitchen ;) Just don't tell me HOW to cook...I hate that...suggestions and new ideas are okay

Requirement #14) must be financially responsible...I'm not talking zero debt here, but you should make sure your bills are paid before buying a new video game for your Xbox...a little spending money and fun is okay but I don't want another person to support on my already pitiful income.

Requirement #13) excellent communication skills....the foundation to every relationship. I can talk for hours about nothing of great importance and that means a lot. I need a partner that will really listen to me, be my partner, be my best friend. When I speak I want to know that he's listening and that when he speaks, I listen. Interupting is not communication.

Requirement #12) must have individual interests and friendships outside of the relationship. I have my own and I think its healthy to maintain that seperateness...aside from unhealthy addictions anyway. Also important to share and participate in mutual interests and friendships ♥

Requirement #11) I want someone who will sometimes put me first before himself and others....very often in relationships I've taken the back burner...like my birthday...I was alone and pregnant while he was with his ex gf working on her car...that's not even kinda okay...

Requirement #10) must be content with low maintence fun as well as more elaborate fun. I.E. sitting on the couch watching a DVD as well as getting all dolled up for a night on the town. A girl loves variety...I'm more low key thou ;)

Requirement #9) to accept me for who I am, everything I have to offer. Know all of my faults but love me unconditionally

Requirement #8) must know how to argue constructively. In a relationship it's healthy to have disagreements, to voice concerns and issues. To talk about feelings without it getting heated, angry or involving name calling and bringing up the past.

Requirement #7) must have a high moral standard...that means he doesn't lie, cheat or steal....and especially doesn't cheat on me. I want a true blue faithful family man, always tells me the truth even if it will hurt. A real man doesn't hurt the ones he loves. So if he hurts you, it's not love.

 Requirement #6) must be compassionate, empathetic and caring. I'm the kind of girl that will stop the car and help a turtle across the road and drop everything when a friend needs me (within reason of course...no needy types) and I'd like my match to be equally as kind.

Requirement #5) I want a guy, 1 guy to prove that they aren't all the same...one without jealousy issues because I have guy friends and we talk and get together from time to time.

Requirement #4) I want someone who brings out the best in me, makes we want to be a better person. Someone that can teach me how to trust and believe in love again. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world ♥

Requirement #3) must have good dental hygiene...I appologize if this makes me a snob

Requirement #2) he must be himself at all times. My family can be a bit intimidating, but they are real accepting of people who don't try to impress them and are just themselves. We can see through fake a mile away. Besides...who wants to be someone they not?...self improvement sure, but if you don't like you ultimately I won't either

Requirement #1) must have goals, ambitions and drive. Some of my future goals include opening a coffee shop and building my dream home.  I want someone who is always pushing themselves to do better.

Requirement #1 part 2) must love to give and receive affection. Not necessarily in public but I'm a huge cuddler and love to hug, kiss and hold hands

So this post originated as a sort of joke on Valentine's Day.  A way to sort of snub my nose at the whole thing I guess, to make a joke of it.  As I reflect on the past 3 weeks, all the thought that went into these requirements, I've had a real eye opener. There's a lot of crap I've put up with over the years in my relationships.  I always thought that it was me, that I was setting unrealistic expectations on people.  In reality I was enabling them.  I didn't challenge them enough, I made it easy.  Now's the time to be honest with myself and to stop settling.  To realize my worth and what I have to offer another individual.  Now that I've rid myself of all the crap and drama I'm happier than I've been in years.  I'm discovering who I am and who I'm capable of being.  I'm accomplishing things I never dreamed possible.  Finding that self worth is amazing.  No man can do that for you, or at least if they can I've yet to find him.  True growth and change comes from within.  Perhaps I needed to open my eyes and see myself better.  Now for the first time I'm excited to find love.  Now I truly know what I'm looking for.  I'd never really thought it through before.  There were always things I just "overlooked" or figured I could "tolerate." It's refreshing to have standards.  It cuts out all of the junk in the middle because if we're honest, when you settle, you will never truly be happy.