Friday, January 2, 2015
Well I've been MIA from this blog for far too long and I'm making it a new goal to invest more time into it. Something happened today that I felt worthy of blogging about. My mini and I were at a local indoor playground. We all know how that goes...older kids are usually running around completely unsupervised while mothers like myself hover around. My mini is now 3.5 yrs old (wow time sure flies!) and is in no way ready to run wild in such places while I just sit and socialize. Anywho, I digress. The point of this post is mean boys. There was a boy roughly the age of 6 and he in his own child like way forced himself into my child's playzone. She told him no, even kicked him away at one point, but he persisted and she caved. Allowing him to take her hand and to lead her off into play that she had no interest in doing. Mommy fail on this one I suppose. I observed. She shortly came to me in tears telling me that he was mean to her. I suggested that we play somewhere else, but she wanted to keep playing with him. I told her that if he continued behavior that she didn't like to tell him no and to play elsewhere. Eventually we left. Later she told me that he was her boyfriend. Excuse my French here, but HELL NO! As a single mom that doesn't date, it is difficult to show my child how a real man is suppose to treat a lady. She certainly has male role models in her life: papa, uncles, etc. so she sees how they interact...but nothing long term and in her immediate comfort zone. Now I read somewhere at some point that if a boy makes you cry more than he makes you laugh that he isn't worth the time of day and I told her this. How much about relationships can a small child process when an adult woman is still trying to figure it all out? She told me that he's nice now. I asked if he ever apologized. She replied no and I could tell that she was bothered by this. (Mommy:1) However, she continued it was okay because he was her friend now. We clearly have more work to do. Although I must say before this conversation she was greatly upset that we left and that she didn't get to say goodbye, but hasn't mentioned his name since. Maybe she was able to process what I said after all. Fingers crossed! We both have much much more to learn.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
One thing I noticed during my single girl years was that more often then not, single women are viewed differently by married women. Like we are some sort of preditory creature that is trying to steal their man. It bothered me, but I usually just let it roll. After all, that's not my style, to steal another woman's man. Now that I'm a single mom I'm a lot more sensitive to it. Of course it's certainly not as realistic that a single mom would steal away a man from his family. At least I wouldn't see it as a threat as much as a single woman would be. Maybe that's just because I know what being a single mom is like. I have zero time for myself let alone trying to find time to date and get to know someone...I have no time to even THINK about meeting someone. I'd open up an online account if I thought I would even have the time for a phone conversation or emails, but the reality is there. It doesn't exist. Every day I see these women complain about their husbands. They do something nice for them and they still complain. I once heard this woman complain that her husband bought her chocolate and she was mad because she was on a diet. I wanted to hit her over the head. Often women complain their husbands work too much...probably to provide them the lifestyle that they have grown accustom too. How about you do with less and then you can have your husband around more? And when your husband goes away on a business trip? news flash! You are not a "single parent for the weekend." Just because you suddenly have to do everything yourself for a few days doesn't even sort of put you in the single parent category. I could go on all day. The bottom line, if you have a good man, value him more. The really good men are very hard to find. If your man really is useless than why would I want him anyway? Woman are not the enemy here and yet we treat eachother as if we are. Now, if you are truly stupid enough to let one of the good ones get away, well then I have no sympathy for you....and that's another blog post.
Friday, August 10, 2012
The hardest part about being a single mom is accepting your life at face value. Yes it is hard, yes you never get a break. Yes you are lonely, but it's a different kind of lonely. You always have someone with you and if you ever find yourself with true alone time you are completely clueless as to what to do with that time. You are lonely for that someone to share the joys with. Yes it would be nice to have someone pick up the slack, but for me it's the wanting someone to share the good, the bad, the struggles and the miracles with. Mak has decided she's a big girl now and has self-weened. Granted I'm going to look back at this time and be grateful that it was her decision and not mine, but it makes me sad. Sad for the little girl that is growing up so very fast. She is not a baby anymore and I struggle with the word "toddler." Not ready to go there yet. I find myself crying almost daily. I know that some of it is the hormones and all that that go with not nursing and all that mumbojumbo stuff. I can rationalize all of it and I totally get it. For me, the hardest part is accepting the fact that I am a single mom. That she might be the only baby I get to have. I'm certainly not getting any younger and while I don't want to lose hope on finding someone. I need to be realistic too. I don't want to be that sappy mom getting her hopes up and getting hurt. I need to be a strong rolemodel for my daughter as I am both mom and dad to her. It's hard. Of course with this whole growing up thing she is also sleeping through the night now so I really can't complain. And I know that as she grows and changes and learns that I'm not losing a baby, but gaining a little companion. I get that, I do. It's just hard for me to let go. Some days I want to scoop her up and put her back inside my belly. It fills me with such an emptiness that I may never experience that feeling again. Who knows. Maybe in a couple of years I'll reconcider and decide being a single mom of 2 wouldn't be that much harder. Then I'll talk myself out of it. For now, I'll just ache for the life I'll talk myself out of wishing and hoping for and just try to live in the "what is."
Thursday, August 2, 2012
So I was hoping not to get sucked into the world of Pinterest. So far the obsession hasn't gotten too out of control. Pinterest is the Mecca of kid crafts. It was recommended to me by a fellow mommy and I've found lots of great ideas! Doing crafts with a 1 yr old is interesting. Their attention span is about 5 minutes so there's no way she's ready to do actual crafts, but I can tell she gets bored with regular play. Here are the crafts we have tried that she loved. We made jello playdough. This is a work in progress, but smells amazing! I want to make lots more in different colors and smells and watch her go for it. Righ now she just tries to eat it, it smells like grape. I don't blame her. I also found recipes for gingerbread playdough and peanutbutter playdough. Yeah, that's next. ;) I also took a ziploc bag and filled it with different colors of finger paint. I taped this to the table under her food tray. This is awesome! It's squishy and fun with no mess and she can play with it for days. It makes after meal clean up so much easier too because it entertains her while I clean the mess. Next I've taken empty water bottles and one I filled with pieces of pipe cleaners and hot glued the cap on. She loves it! When she gets bigger, she can run a magnet over it and watch the pieces cling to it. Another bottle I filled with dried lentils and beans, colorful stuff. She likes to shake it. I'm going to do another with some different colored pastas and stuff. Always hot glue the cap on so we don't have choking issues. I love these ones because it's a cheap toy that will amuse for hours. I also found one about how to refinish one of those plastic picnic tables for kids. I'm hoping to pick one up that I found next week for $10. Super cute crafty ideas on pinterest. There's something for everyone. A huge time suck though. Super glad right now that I don't have an Ipad, but might need to request one for Christmas. Facetime with the grandparents in Florida is always a necessary with a little baby. Course she's a toddler now. How did this happen? I missed so much while I was too busy trying to control the direction of my life. I'm gonna shut up and play now. It's amazing how facinating watching her learn and play is. She discovers something new about something so ordinary every day. It's a constant eye opener and I love seeing the world through her eyes. It makes it much more beautiful and enjoyable to see the world through the eyes of a child. <3
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
So about the time I hit 30, I was convinced I'd be a single mom. I had promised myself that if I was still single at 35 I would just go and do it. Get a donor and be a mom. Being a mom is the only thing that I would be truly upset about missing out on. Well, when 30 hit I just knew in my gut that 35 was much too far away. I became obsessed with having a baby. I was buying diapers and baby clothes long before I even got pregnant. I suppose it's no surprise that my subconscience would find, well, basically a donor to father my child. A guy that virtually disappeared. So I got my wish. I'm a single mom. Funny how when you get exactly what you wish for you begin to wonder what you were thinking. Honestly I don't regret a thing. This way I can find her a real man to be a father. The daunting task of doing that however isn't as easy as I guess I imagined it would be. Let's be realistic, dating is hard. Dating is even harder when you have a child. Honestly I'm not even sure I want to date. I also don't want to be alone forever. Although I'm not alone, I have Mak. Recently I've been dealing with a lot of junk from my past that's brought up a lot of memories and feelings that I had surpressed long ago. I'm finally seeking closure which has me feeling amazing. I'm also realizing that what I've been willing to put up with in relationships in the past no longer seems tolerable now. Especially when I have Mak to consider. I'm gonna start being selective, less settling. After all we deserve extraordinary. My Single's Awareness Day post had been a sort of spoof. Like my requirements were laughable. Hardly being demanding whatsoever. Those are qualifications that any decent human being should have. Those requirements have also been thrown in my face by a few individuals that quite frankly.."just didn't get it." I did this for Mak. All of it. She's the baby I always wanted and was scared I'd never have. I worked very hard to get her here with me and now I'm going to give her the very best I can. She deserves far better than I ever had. No father is better than a lousy father. I'm not just looking for a father for her, I'm looking for love for me. Real love, and real love shouldn't be hard. Yes relationships take work, but they shouldn't be all about work. It should be fun and easy and exciting even when doing the simplest things. Anything that you have to basically drive yourself batty working for isn't worth it in the end. You lose sight of who you are while you are busy trying to fit this mold of what the other person thinks you should be. We deserve the world and this mama isn't settling for anything less. I've always been the type that doesn't sit back and let life happen. Life is what happens when you are too busy making plans. From now on I'm going to enjoy my little girl while she laughs and plays and learns and discovers and loves. I could never get tired of watching her, she's such an amazing little person and I'm in complete awe that I created her. I had it in my head I was going to be a mom and I made it happen, for better or for worse. Perhaps that's the only relationship in this lifetime that I truly ever really needed to begin with. She completes me <3
Friday, July 20, 2012
So when I ventured into this rollercoaster called motherhood, I vowed that I'd be THAT mom, or wouldn't be that mom...I'd be the mom that cloth diapered, made her own baby food. My kid will never throw tantrums or be spoiled, will eat wholesome home cooked meals every day...blahblahblah. Well, I've managed to do some of that, but, I have noticed that I should cut myself a little slack sometimes. Yes I'm a single mom, yes I do everything alone, yes I'm beyond exhausted most days and it's a constant struggle just to keep my head above water. And am I hard on myself when I fall short of my own expectations? You bet. Now why is that? Why, when I'm my biggest ally do I kick myself when I'm down? So what if Mak doesn't get all 5 food groups at every meal? I gave her a chicken nugget today...okay two...for lunch...with no vegetables...it won't kill her. It's easy for me to blame others for why I'm the way I am. Blame the parents, it's easy. The heart of the problem lies in me. What's with the constant need to be a superhero? I think if I learned to cut myself a little slack I'd be a much stronger person and my mental health would be, well...better. Easier said then done for a perfectionist. *sigh* At the end of the day nothing else matters except that Mak is happy and that I was the best mom I could be today. Ten years from now she won't care if the house was clean or organized, the dishes were washed, she ate a balanced meal or that her clothes were stained. All that will matter is that I was a good mom, that I played with her, read her stories, made her giggle. Those moments of joy mean everything to me. I need to learn to just live in the moment and to hell with everything else. To let go of the meaningless drama, the constant need to over-achieve and the inner battle with myself to make sure everyone around me is happy. All that matters is me and my little girl. Plus if someone has a problem with my messy house, well they are more than welcome to come clean it for me while I play with my little girl ;)