MakandMama

MakandMama

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Leap Day

Women propose to their men

According to an old Irish legend, or possibly history, St Bridget struck a deal with St Patrick to allow women to propose to men – and not just the other way around – every 4 years. This is believed to have been introduced to balance the traditional roles of men and women in a similar way to how Leap Day balances the calendar.
In some places, Leap Day has been known as “Bachelors’ Day” for the same reason. A man was expected to pay a penalty, such as a gown or money, if he refused a marriage proposal from a woman on Leap Day. In many European countries, especially in the upper classes of society, tradition dictates that any man who refuses a woman's proposal on February 29 has to buy her 12 pairs of gloves. The intention is that the woman can wear the gloves to hide the embarrassment of not having an engagement ring. During the middle ages there were laws governing this tradition.

I'm just going to follow this with...I could get in a lot of trouble today.  I've recently met someone, well technically we haven't met, but we will.  Soon.  Anyway, even though we are hundreds of miles apart and haven't technically met one another.  I feel closer to him and far more connected than I think I ever have.  He can be oh so far away and yet I find comfort in knowing that if I needed him, he'd be there.  It doesn't matter that he's not physically here, sitting next to me.  I can just feel the connection.  Anyway now I'm rambling...My point is...this has all happened very quickly, but that doesn't frighten me.  In many ways I'm tempted to test out this old tradition.  To take that leap, not necessarily propose marriage, but just take that leap.  I guess in a way I am.  In many ways leap year feels like magic and leap day even more magical.  I'm very excited about the possibilities.  I mean I have nothing to lose.  Just taking a chance at love and possibilities of happiness.  Afterall, isn't that what we are all hoping to find in this one life?  Any ounce of happiness that comes my way, any chance at all...I'm going to hold on tight with both hands and hang tight for it's sure to be one hell of a ride.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Struggling to not miss anything

So I probably had the worst week imaginable emotionally.  We're talking like every day wanting to quit my job bad.  Sometimes I really resent having to work when my real job is staying home with Mak.  If I were married and had a husband that could support the family I'd seriously think about being a SAHM, but realistically I know I can't.  I have a good job too, good hours, great benefits, I really can't complain...much. It's just a strain.  Anyway, my week was awful, but coming home to seeing my smiling, giggling girl makes it all go away.  The last few days she's been a lot more mobile.  Crawling and moving around, getting into everything.  It's so adorable...now.  I know I will choke on these words, but I'm absolutely gaga and could waste hours upon hours watching her grow.  The time is flying by, it bothers me more and more that he's missing it.  By he I don't mean her father, he has shown mild to zero interest so I just let sleeping dogs lay.  It's easier that way, less drama.  I mean the real man, the real man that is meant to be her daddy.  It's so hard.  I want to share these moments with someone.  Sure there's family and all my closest friends.  They don't see everything though.  They aren't here to share in her milestones the way a father could and should be.  I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for Mak.  It's moments like this that I want to reach out to him, want him to care, but he doesn't, so I don't.  This girl I know married into that family today.  That dysfunction.  God bless her.  She's a nice girl, has had my back more than once and I'm thankful.  A bit late, but better than never.  It bugs me that she did.  Not sure why.  Maybe I wish better for her, love is blind.  I wish her the best.  Back to Mak.  If it wasn't for Mak I wouldn't care about finding love for myself.  I'd be fine.  Bitter and old, but fine.  LOL.  She deserves better, she deserves a daddy's love.  She's consumed by love.  Love basically swallows her up wherever she goes.   A daddy's love is different.  Perhaps it's because of my own dysfunctional relationship with my own father that makes me feel this way.  I grew up with an amazing stepfather and I'll be eternally grateful to him.  It's the daddy's love that a little girl aches for.  I know that feeling.  I hated that feeling.  Still do.  He turned from me a few months ago when we ran into him at the grocery store.  He saw us, turned his cart and huffed off.  That stung.  For years I've been the one to avoid him.  I was about to muster up the courage to introduce him to his grand-daughter and he was gone.  While I want better for Mak, I also want better for me.  Even with an amazing stepdad to take his place, I still ache for his love.  I just hope Mak is stronger than me.  Maybe never knowing her father will make that easier.  Can you ache for a love if you don't know it?  Sometimes, okay, all the time.  I feel like I would have been better off never knowing my father.  Hopefully this turns out to be true for her.  Okay...I hadn't intended for this post to get so deep.  My point is, if her "daddy" can't be here to watch her grown and turn into an amazing little girl, I'll have to be both.  Hopefully I don't miss anything, but with everything happening so fast I'm afraid I will.  Slow down baby girl, mama can barely keep up.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

green clovers

So where I work we like to decorate for the holidays.  Well we just pulled down all those nasty, disgusting red and pink heart things and just hung up these beautiful and vibrant green clovers for St. Patrick's Day.  There's something about the hearts that repulses me, but these clovers make me want to go skipping through a field of poppies.  Maybe it's what the color green represents, maybe it's because it's like a preview of spring.  Maybe it's because I'm starting to feel lucky, like my life is about to change for the better.  I don't know.  Just seeing them puts a twinkle in my eye and warmth in my heart.  I love spring, almost as much as I love fall.  I can't wait to get outside and get my hands dirty and to see all the wonders of spring pop up.  On the other hand I feel like we haven't even really had winter yet.  I really really hope this doesn't mean it will rain all summer.  =(  Maybe my good mood shift has something to do with the fact that Mak crawled for the first time yesterday.  All I know is that I've been in a dark, emotional hole the last few days and it feels damn good to feel alive again.

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Art of Being a Single Mom part 1

So being single isn't for everyone.  Some people enjoy being single, the freedom of it all.  The reckless abandon.  The thrill of the chase.  For me, I enjoy being single because that means I have no one to argue with.  There's no fighting, no drama.  It's bliss actually.  The downer...no one to share life's joys with either.  I come home but there's no one to share my day with.  Sure I have Mak, but there's only so much interaction she can handle at 7 months old.  Being single can be very lonely.  Fortunately being a single mom means you are too tired, too busy, too overwhelmed to really notice.  My pity parties are fewer and far between and last mere moments compared to what they use to be.  I know having a baby put a HUGE speedbump in my social life, but she sure does keep me busy.  In many ways I'm grateful.  Now I can raise her the way I want, no one else gets a say.  No one will fight me on issues I find important.  She makes me raise my standards on the type of people I allow in our lives.  The good part is that I don't have to think seriously about anyone in particular that I talk to.  However, a few less disappointments and heartbreaks would be nice.  Maybe in a way, being a single mom is an excuss to allow yourself not to get emotionally attached to anyone.  I fall in love easy...I fall fast and I fall hard.  When you have a small baby demanding all of your love and attention it's pretty easy to forget everything else.  There's very little time for me, let alone another person.  Tonight I found myself texting a few people at the same time...while trying to put the baby to bed, eat dinner, fold laundry and attempt to write this blog.  I started feeling annoyed that these people I was texting were taking up my valuable time.  It's very strange how my priorities have shifted.

Single's Awareness Day

"Shallow men believe in luck...Strong men believe in cause and effect." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is the post that started it all.  I'm now at the point in my life where I'm okay that I'm single.  Even if I'm single for many years to come.  I'm not alone and I'm certainly not lonely.  Honestly I'd rather be single and be happy then to be miserable and lonely with the wrong guy.  I use to view Valentine's Day as something black and ugly.  I'm usually always alone or with some guy and always disappointed.  I've termed this day "Single's Awareness Day."  This year I have my beautiful baby and although the wheels of fate didn't quite move in the direction I had expected them to, I wouldn't have it any other way.  She deserves a "real daddy" and I deserve a "real man."  No more settling.  So in light of up coming Single's Awareness Day I'm going to do a countdown to the day with specific traits I'm looking for in a mate...21 days, 21 Requirements, so here goes. *I have a feeling this list will get added as I find time to actually "date" again...LOL
Requirement #21) Must have a job...I don't care if he works the drive thru window at DD....he must make an honest income.

Requirement #20) must be comfortable enough in his manhood to understand that the phone works both ways...none of this wait 3 days to call BS...if you're thinking about me (or your daughter) pick up the damn phone

Requirement #19) Must be in reasonably good physical health/shape...I'm not saying he needs to be a contender for the next Ironman, but he needs to be able to go for a walk, work a job, and do some misc "manly" chores like shovel or mow the lawn without throwing out his back, knee or having a stroke....unless he's really rich and will leave me all his money...JOKING! *also added to this one, he must be willing to do some of the "guy stuff" like home repair, plumbing, you know...guy chores...which gives me an idea for another blog...

Requirement #18) must not be married, have any crazy exes that demand his attention and/or display stalking characteristics or otherwise be "unavailable" because of high demands from any other woman aka "mama"...I hope this one doesn't really require an explaination...non-negotible

Requirement #17) Must be a non-smoker, drug free, and a light to non-drinker...sorry for this one, but with a small baby now I need someone clean, responsible and healthy

Requirement #16) He must love and accept my child as his own and be willing to adopt her. We are a package deal and my baby deserves a daddy that will love her, support her and be there for her. My stepdad did this for me so I know that there are real men out there willing to take on a child that isn't "biologically" theirs ♥

Requirement #15) must enjoy cooking (or at least eating) and be willing to cook for me or at least with me once in awhile. I need a foodie, but a true blue foodie. I don't even care if what he makes me is just a PB&J...nothing screams sexual tension more than two cooks in a kitchen ;) Just don't tell me HOW to cook...I hate that...suggestions and new ideas are okay

Requirement #14) must be financially responsible...I'm not talking zero debt here, but you should make sure your bills are paid before buying a new video game for your Xbox...a little spending money and fun is okay but I don't want another person to support on my already pitiful income.

Requirement #13) excellent communication skills....the foundation to every relationship. I can talk for hours about nothing of great importance and that means a lot. I need a partner that will really listen to me, be my partner, be my best friend. When I speak I want to know that he's listening and that when he speaks, I listen. Interupting is not communication.

Requirement #12) must have individual interests and friendships outside of the relationship. I have my own and I think its healthy to maintain that seperateness...aside from unhealthy addictions anyway. Also important to share and participate in mutual interests and friendships ♥

Requirement #11) I want someone who will sometimes put me first before himself and others....very often in relationships I've taken the back burner...like my birthday...I was alone and pregnant while he was with his ex gf working on her car...that's not even kinda okay...
Requirement #10) must be content with low maintence fun as well as more elaborate fun. I.E. sitting on the couch watching a DVD as well as getting all dolled up for a night on the town. A girl loves variety...I'm more low key thou ;)
Requirement #9) to accept me for who I am, everything I have to offer. Know all of my faults but love me unconditionally
Requirement #8) must know how to argue constructively. In a relationship it's healthy to have disagreements, to voice concerns and issues. To talk about feelings without it getting heated, angry or involving name calling and bringing up the past.
Requirement #7) must have a high moral standard...that means he doesn't lie, cheat or steal....and especially doesn't cheat on me. I want a true blue faithful family man, always tells me the truth even if it will hurt. A real man doesn't hurt the ones he loves. So if he hurts you, it's not love.
 Requirement #6) must be compassionate, empathetic and caring. I'm the kind of girl that will stop the car and help a turtle across the road and drop everything when a friend needs me (within reason of course...no needy types) and I'd like my match to be equally as kind.
Requirement #5) I want a guy, 1 guy to prove that they aren't all the same...one without jealousy issues because I have guy friends and we talk and get together from time to time.
Requirement #4) I want someone who brings out the best in me, makes we want to be a better person. Someone that can teach me how to trust and believe in love again. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world ♥
Requirement #3) must have good dental hygiene...I appologize if this makes me a snob
Requirement #2) he must be himself at all times. My family can be a bit intimidating, but they are real accepting of people who don't try to impress them and are just themselves. We can see through fake a mile away. Besides...who wants to be someone they not?...self improvement sure, but if you don't like you ultimately I won't either
Requirement #1) must have goals, ambitions and drive. Some of my future goals include opening a coffee shop and building my dream home.  I want someone who is always pushing themselves to do better.
Requirement #1 part 2) must love to give and receive affection. Not necessarily in public but I'm a huge cuddler and love to hug, kiss and hold hands
So this post originated as a sort of joke on Valentine's Day.  A way to sort of snub my nose at the whole thing I guess, to make a joke of it.  As I reflect on the past 3 weeks, all the thought that went into these requirements, I've had a real eye opener. There's a lot of crap I've put up with over the years in my relationships.  I always thought that it was me, that I was setting unrealistic expectations on people.  In reality I was enabling them.  I didn't challenge them enough, I made it easy.  Now's the time to be honest with myself and to stop settling.  To realize my worth and what I have to offer another individual.  Now that I've rid myself of all the crap and drama I'm happier than I've been in years.  I'm discovering who I am and who I'm capable of being.  I'm accomplishing things I never dreamed possible.  Finding that self worth is amazing.  No man can do that for you, or at least if they can I've yet to find him.  True growth and change comes from within.  Perhaps I needed to open my eyes and see myself better.  Now for the first time I'm excited to find love.  Now I truly know what I'm looking for.  I'd never really thought it through before.  There were always things I just "overlooked" or figured I could "tolerate." It's refreshing to have standards.  It cuts out all of the junk in the middle because if we're honest, when you settle, you will never truly be happy.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Vday cookies

Alright...i've decided that next year i'm going to actually do this.  These cookies rock!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=k3lCHmUu73I

My new favorite song

Just something about this song speaks to me.  Maybe because it's about a guy hopelessly in love with a girl.  I'm not sure I can honestly say that a guy has truly ever felt like this towards me.  I hope someday to find a love like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3CUy4zubuk&feature=player_embedded

Dressing Room Mirrors

So here's the deal.  I had a baby 7 months ago.  I've lost all my baby weight and then some.  I'm falling out of my Pre-baby swimsuits and my maternity one is falling off.  I'm going away on vacation...I need a new swimsuit...no one likes buying swimsuits.  So I'm trying them all on and what exactly is up with dressing room mirrors...or dressing rooms in general.  The lighting is too bright and the mirrors are like something from a clown house, I mean really.  Nothing and I mean nothing you try on in a dressing room ever looks half as good as it does in the real world.  It's like some sick black hole these dressing rooms.  So I find one that I can live with and vow to buy a better one this summer.  So I get home where the lighting is more dim and my mirror is just a simple basic mirror and the bathing suit looks AWESOME!  I just don't get it.  Is it your mentality...the "I hate buying swimsuits" so you psych yourself out?  I'm not sure, but I notice this about a lot of things I try on in those places.  It's almost like after you buy the clothes they suddenly morph into the perfect fit!  They hang just right, hug the curves in just the right spot.  Show not too much, but just enough.  You'd think that being a ladies dressing room they would pull out all the stops to make you want to buy a gazillion dollars worth of merchandise.  I mean HELLO! dim the lights, get a girl in THE MOOD to want to look good in what she's wearing.  Am I really the only person that feels this way?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Letter to my daughter

Dearest Baby Girl,

I love you more than any words can say and I hope you understand that everything I do is for you.  My only mission is to give you the best life I possibly can and that means making sacrifices along the way.  Some day you will understand what this all means and I hope that you will forgive me for some of the choices I have made.  Don't take people too seriously.  That mean girl at school, she just acts that way because she's insecure.  Be above that.  Don't feel pressured to do things you aren't ready to just to get some guy to like you.  Learn from my mistakes.  That guy doesn't matter and will soon move on to someone else.  Wait until you find something real.  To know what "real" is look around you.  Who has something that's real?  Strive to be like them.  Always be kind to others, you never know when you might need their help.  Cut yourself a little slack, you are only human and we make mistakes.  Learning from them is the key.  Study hard and pay attention.  You may not believe it now, but it will pay off in the long run.  Don't waste anything.  Learn from other's experiences, save your money, take care of the Earth.  Do something nice for someone else, try to do this every day.  Even if they don't appreciate it, it will make your soul feel amazing.  Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and always laugh out loud.  Find something that you are naturally good at and condition your skill until you've mastered it.  Be humble.  There will always be someone that knows more than you do, take advantage of that and learn from them.  Give second chances, know when you are being taken advantage of and learn the difference.  Eat your vegetables.  Stop and smell the roses.  Fresh air and sunshine never killed anyone.  Sitting around and wasting your life has.  Above all else enjoy the life you have, if you aren't having fun do something to change that.  Only you can ultimately control your own happiness.  Know when it's time to splurge a little and enjoy.  Do something good for yourself.  Confide in someone trustworthy.  To quote Dr. Suess, "Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."  Adopt a mantra.  Find someone that has their shmidt together and look up to them.  Be a leader, not a follower.  Be proud of yourself.  It's okay to cry, mama does it a lot.  Recognize your feelings and allow yourself to feel.  Be in the moment and then put it behind you.  If you feel overwhelmed, try to accomplish just one thing at a time.  It's amazing how much more you can get done when you prioritize.  Remember baby girl you are loved by many.  True wealth isn't determined by what you have it is measured by how much you love and are loved by others. 

Love forever and always,
Mama

Monday, February 6, 2012

Finding ME thyme

So the other day I had a bit of a meltdown.  Mak had been up screaming inconsolably all night long due to teething and I was a nervous wreck hanging by a thread.  I was exhausted, I had spit up in my hair and I had just come to the realization that I'd be single forever.  What guy in their right mind would want this?  The night before I felt like texting her father to tell him how much I hated him at around 3am.  What good would come of that?  He's not in the picture, not even a little.  I can't make him be the kind of father he needs to be and maybe even wants to be.  But this isn't about me, or him, it's about Mak.  It's about what she needs right now.  Right now she needs a happy mama.  My sister came over and helped me do something for me and that felt amazing.  Sometimes you just need to remember to take a bit of a time out for you, the rest can wait.  As overwhelming as it is...all the time...being a single working mom.  Chores to do, errands to run, playtime with Mak, it never ends and there never seems to be time for me.  I need to make the time and that's hard to do.  I'm trying though.  Everyone asks me how I do it, how I manage to do it all.  Honestly I'm still trying to figure that out.  All I know is that it gets done, eventually.  There isn't much time for me, but thankfully I'm low maintenance.  Just finding a half hour to read a couple chapters on my Kindle and I'm a new woman.  Even starting this blog, something I've wanted to do for years, is huge progress on the way to me time.  I've noticed that the more time I set aside for myself, no matter how small, I seem to have more motivation to accomplish some of the other stuff.  It's almost as if I'm creating thyme.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Getting Started.

So this blog has been a long time in the making.  I was always interested in blogging, but I just wasn't sure if what I had to say would matter or even be remotely interesting to anyone else.  Well, you know what, it doesn't matter.  If no one ever reads this blog it won't matter, sometimes you just need an outlet.  I finally got around to starting this blog because I started posting "snip-its" of my blog "Single's Awareness Day" and a friend of mine said I should blog about it, so here we are.